My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop?… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
