Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
