Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The issue of gay marriage has reached the Supreme Court and observers are analyzing every detail to predict how each justice will… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
