Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The building housing America's military brass is a five-sided pentagon, but somehow, the people in it still manage to make it the… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.'… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
