Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
