I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night -- this was so sweet, it means… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, in the military. This is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
