Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
