Sometimes I'm dragging my ass out to the airport at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and I'm wondering why I'm doing this,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because I have been saying, for the longest time, that president Bush must set… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
It's a good time to say "Oh" and take stock and say, "Gee, how was I ethically this year?" That's the problem… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He's suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can't really figure out… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: The rest of the world can go back to being completely jealous of America. Our majority white country just freely… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I find it ironic that Republicans have such disdain for the lazy, and yet their solution to every problem is do nothing.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I'm not defending what Cory Booker said. I'm saying I understand why he has to kiss the asses of the rich people… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney we think is going run again. He says he has no plans to run, but he said if he did… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you're a dumb-ass. And if… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You can't deny that religion has done some good. It organizes lots of anti-poverty programs and soup kitchens and missionary work. But… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
This country hates professors. It likes Toby Keith - 'I'm gonna put a boot in their ass.' If you don't do that,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
