“If financial genius were legs, my girlfriend would own fourteen pairs of Jimmy Choos, and not have a single foot to put… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
Im not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, Im dying my hair tonight. — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Generally, competition is a good thing. But not when it’s between two nipples, specifically mine, over which one can suck the most.” — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“Money is flowing past you all the time like an invisible breeze. The trick is to get some to slide into your… — Jarod Kintz Breeze Copy Share Image
“My baseball team is called the I Ams. Just me and my clones on the roster. We’re devastating. Well, at least I… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“Me and my clones will form a band called The Eels. I’ll be one of the most electrifying performers of all time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a people person, and I know how to make people feel comfortable, especially without wearing pants.” — Jarod Kintz People person Copy Share Image
“If instead of saucers, UFOs looked more like breasts, I’ll bet there’d be a lot more people trying to take pictures of… — Jarod Kintz Space Copy Share Image
“Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends… — Jarod Kintz Mom Copy Share Image
“If beards flowed like rivers, then I’d stop shaving my facial St. John’s, and I’d have one of the few major beards… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A tree once saved my life. A posse was going to hang me, but this wise old oak would not let them.… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“If I were to assign a color combination to my love for you, it would be purple and brown, because you are… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Trying to put a baby back in the womb is like trying to convert a butterfly into a caterpillar, but still I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Men and women think about love differently. The main difference is that men simply don’t think about it.” — Jarod Kintz Feminism Copy Share Image
“He won’t be as funny as a mountain—he’ll be hill-arious. He is my clone, and I hope he kills me for this… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I don’t know what I’ll do until I know what you’ll do. I’m proactive with my preemptive reactive strategy. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His name was Rodger Green, but people called him Red. Red Green was a man of strong contrasts, just like his friend… — Jarod Kintz Red green Copy Share Image
“I just bought a can of brown paint. It’s more expensive than coffee, but I really hit the wall after I chug… — Jarod Kintz Painting Copy Share Image
“A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.” — Jarod Kintz Black belt Copy Share Image
“Being in the womb was like taking a nine-month bath. I wanted to take a shower, but no matter how hard I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is… — Jarod Kintz American dream Copy Share Image
“A skyscraper is to a brick as a pyramid is to____________A) a vagina, B) a particular vagina, or C) your mother’s vagina. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.” — Jarod Kintz Condoms Copy Share Image
“In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“Whenever you have a goal, it's a good idea to have both a plan A and a back-up Plan B, unless you… — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My name is my reputation. And all I have in this world is my name. Well, and my penis, which shoots out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“So that was how I spent nine months of my life. I felt like I was pregnant, except instead of giving life,… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Add some mystery to your morning coffee and stir in some mist. Or go full fog for that #MissMarpleFlavor. Then solve it… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I eat overcast skies for breakfast, because sunlight isn’t filling enough. As a lover, I’m a bring-my-own-umbrella kind of guy, because a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I've decided to donate my arsenal of machine guns to a hunting charity. That should help raze a million bucks.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me… — Jarod Kintz Management Copy Share Image
“On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to help me with the love and affection of Taylor Swift. If that sounds unbelievable, then try… — Jarod Kintz Affection Copy Share Image
“I saw my hero. He was standing at the urinal next to mine. I didn’t know what to say, so I said,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People always say I have hands as large as the Roman Empire. I guess it just goes with the territory. Romance, it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to settle disputes. Hold my penis while I demonstrate how it would work. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
