“If my love were a bagel, I’d put cream cheese on it. But it’s not a bagel, so I just put cheddar… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you are an aspiring honey farmer, I have a documentary you NEED to watch. It's called The Beekeeper, and it stars… — Jarod Kintz Bees Copy Share Image
“I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given… — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“The way the crotch of my jeans are constructed makes it look like I have an erection when I don’t. That’s why… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My hair is turning the color of my answer. Maybe I should say yes to keep my hair from turning gray.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“I’ve long suspected myself of being a suspicious person. But that’s OK, because suspicious people make better lovers, right?” — Jarod Kintz Suspicious Copy Share Image
“Love is when you love someone’s spirit as much as their body, even if their spirit has departed and their body is… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I network like I’m an alien and each person I meet is the first person I’ve ever met—and the last person on… — Jarod Kintz First person Copy Share Image
“I was honored at the awards ceremony. I didn’t get any recognition, but I was honored to be there. (Tickets were cheaper… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My blender has a more powerful engine than my car, but my car doesn’t make smoothies as well. I drive a Toyota… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t marry a bisexual woman, because she might be having an affair with the same person I’m having an affair with.… — Jarod Kintz Bisexual Copy Share Image
“I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to,… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Good things come to those who ate. And I’m stuffed. Like a teddy bear. That might be why I’m the World Cuddling… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When people say they don’t read, I always wonder if they don’t because they can’t or because they won’t. Then I think,… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason. ” — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
“We’ve got a tortilla chip type of love. So am I to blame if I’m looking for a little salsa on the… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Stupidity mixed with arrogance mixed with anger mixed with adrenaline is a deadly combination. Just as deadly as adding fries and a… — Jarod Kintz Anger Copy Share Image
“The thought made my toes curl up, but only because the ground made it impossible for them to curl down.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know her name. I remember because I forgot. That’s one of the joys of love. Well, two of the joys.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a trumpet, Donald Trump’s hair, and a turnip all turned up and facing west. Sorry, east. I am looking in… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“For me, the badlands are entirely too naughty. The whole time I was in South Dakota I felt like I needed a… — Jarod Kintz South dakota Copy Share Image
“Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just quit the Please Police. No need to say Thank You or protest or start a riot. But you can buy… — Jarod Kintz Protest Copy Share Image
“I can taste one sugar crystal, just like I can feel one Cupid (the metric unit of measurement for love).” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Ducks like balloons. Think about THAT next time your child has a birthday party and you choose to not invite all of… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“My name is Mr. Potatohead, and I’m looking for my wife. But I fear I’m too late, and that she’s already part… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think people over the age of 6’2” look great. Just look at me! I was born in less than 19.82 inches.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“While getting a haircut, I thought about my failed marriage. Instead of feeling bad, I thought I’d grow a beard, move to… — Jarod Kintz Failed marriage Copy Share Image
“We all want to be the best at something. Trouble is, some people are only the best at being second best. ” — Jarod Kintz Second best Copy Share Image
“The phone book shouldn’t be arranged alphabetically, but by height. Guess how tall my love for you is. That’s right—taller than Goliath!” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my father’s shadow. But then he takes a few steps, or bends down to stretch… — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman.… — Jarod Kintz Walrus Copy Share Image
“Contrast and compliment. The blue is never more blue than it is when paired with orange. And the orange is never bluer… — Jarod Kintz Blue Copy Share Image
“In politics, I don’t know which came first, the rubber chicken policies, or the eggheadedness.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“One Mormon can do the job of many more men. I should know, because I was born in Salt Lake City.” — Jarod Kintz Mormon Copy Share Image
“On my wedding night, I want to make slow, passionate rush hour to my wife at well over three miles an hour.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other.” — Jarod Kintz Clock Copy Share Image
“You won’t ever catch me wearing an oven mitt, because what’s wrong with a regular condom? If I’m wearing an oven mitt,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
