Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you." — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
I just couldn't do a comedy show about 'The History Of Dinosaurs;' I'd get bored too easily. — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster! — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net. — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!' — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable. — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb. — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
My life is quite normal and for me it helps with my comedy. If you jump headlong into celebrity life it affects… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
Everything I experience in life, I put through the sausage-maker that is comedy, and then try to make it funny for others.… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out.… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!' — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard'… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me!… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
I'm trying to write a film with my friend. I'd love to get the thrill of speaking actors making my work even funnier. — Russell Howard Copy Share
I always found it strange, when I went round to other people's houses for tea and that, how strict their parents were. — Russell Howard Copy Share
It's a bit of a cliche but throughout London, even in places like Notting Hill, you'll see utter luxury alongside council flats - it… — Russell Howard Copy Share
The British Museum is great for seeing how excellent we were at stealing things. — Russell Howard Copy Share
If I was to get into Twitter I'd expose myself to people who adore me or people who absolutely hated me. Neither of those… — Russell Howard Copy Share
There's a club called Headliners in Chiswick where I do a lot of my warmups for tours. For me it's a nice 'big-small' room:… — Russell Howard Copy Share
Mumbai was magical, which I was really surprised by, and I got an insight into the world of Bollywood while hanging out with some… — Russell Howard Copy Share
It's just a joy travelling with your job. You get to wander around these interesting cities and then things happen or you observe things… — Russell Howard Copy Share
I've reached the age of 32 with little wisdom, I'm afraid. It's tragic. I still have to turn to my mum and dad for… — Russell Howard Copy Share
