“If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.” — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.” — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.” — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.” — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“Let's start anew. Life is goals--Purpose-Attempts--Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.” — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“This book is a guide to living life the right way, like the Bible is for crazies and weak people (JK, bro),… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“ Are you in any way qualified? Yes? No? It doesn't matter. In America, "Qualification" is simply an attitude. I've adopted it.… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo--though those… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You're totally… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course,… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“In this book I will teach you, based on stuff I have either made up, observed, or overheard, how to live the… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“Some PR is about getting information about a great product or thingy out to the people who would enjoy it, while other… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
One of the things that's funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go 'Oh, you're great, but I don't… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“Throughout our history, humanity has been plagued with questions, and also plagued with regular plagues. I don't know much about biology, so… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
“This book is a guide to living life the right way, like the Bible is for crazies and weak people (JK, bro), this book… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions?… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences? — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually,… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share
