After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think… — Steven Wright Copy Share
