I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Don't drink and park, accidents in cars cause population. F**k more the Merrier — ISetMyFriendsOnFire Copy Share Image
Instead of trying to modify what nature brought us, we embraced it, — Emmanuel Lubezki Copy Share Image
“It was like being leaned on by a very heavy, warm brick. A sexy brick.” — Patricia Briggs Copy Share Image
There is a kind of sympathy with the Americans who are looked upon as liberators. — Jalal Talabani Copy Share Image
In the end, it’s not about failure, it’s about how much you love what you do. — Vera Wang Copy Share Image
“The name meant "Angel of Victory," which Jaffa supposed was appropriate enough. The Divine Hand himself had started the fashion for taking… — Django Wexler Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs,… — Dora J. Arod Copy Share Image
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I think maybe to survive, I mean to just get through the day - I'm not saying that everything is hilariously funny. — Roz Chast Copy Share Image
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
He's never portrayed as being funny. He was a very funny, happy, lively person. Fun to be around and exciting. He was… — Jack Hemingway Copy Share Image
Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in… — The Principal From Billy Madison Copy Share Image
