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Someone Quotes by Jack Handey
- I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get…
- Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
- I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know…
- Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.…
- If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
- I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his…
- Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring…
- If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
- I had dreams once. Once I wanted to build the world's longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had already done it.
- I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No,…
- If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say,…
- Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.
- Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust…
- If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him…
- I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a…
- I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred…
- The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a…
- Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go…
- I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good…
More Someone Quotes
- Whether if soul did not exist time would exist or not, is a question that may fairly be asked; for if there… — Aristotle
- Getting over someone is a grieving process. You mourn the loss of the relationship, and that's only expedited by 'Out of sight,… — Hank Azaria
- It is by not always thinking of yourself, if you can manage it, that you might somehow be happy. Until you make… — Richard Bach
- The police can't protect consumers. People need to be more aware and educated about identity theft. You need to be a little… — Frank Abagnale
- I don't use a debit card. The safest thing is a credit card because you're using the bank's money. If someone accesses… — Frank Abagnale
- All in all, for someone who was immersed in, fascinated by, and dedicated to flight, I was disappointed by the wrinkle in… — Neil Armstrong
- Everyone wants to be appreciated, so if you appreciate someone, don't keep it a secret. — Mary Kay Ash
- We must have a theme, a goal, a purpose in our lives. If you don't know where you're aiming, you don't have… — Mary Kay Ash
- I began wearing hats as a young lawyer because it helped me to establish my professional identity. Before that, whenever I was… — Bella Abzug
- To insult someone we call him 'bestial. For deliberate cruelty and nature, 'human' might be the greater insult. — Isaac Asimov
- I tell my students, it's not difficult to identify with somebody like yourself, somebody next door who looks like you. What's more… — Chinua Achebe
- Apart from the fact that your physical ability starts to decline, I also think someone in their fifties being childlike becomes a… — Rowan Atkinson