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Show Quotes by Jack Handey
- I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant…
- If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.'
- There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no…
- I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling…
- I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he…
- If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just…
- He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
- I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
More Show Quotes
- One of my favorite things about 'Star Trek' wasn't just the overt banter but the humor in that show about the relationships… — J. J. Abrams
- Spare me the whispering, crowded room, the friends who come and gape and go, the ceremonious air of gloom - all, which… — Matthew Arnold
- As filmmakers, we can show where a person's mind goes, as opposed to theater, which is more to sit back and watch… — Darren Aronofsky
- In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better show more affection than she feels. — Jane Austen
- Show me your garden and I shall tell you what you are. — Alfred Austin
- Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already… — Richard Bach
- I am convinced in my heart and in my mind that if the United States fails to stand with Israel, that is… — Michele Bachmann
- Every thing secret degenerates, even the administration of justice; nothing is safe that does not show how it can bear discussion and… — Lord Acton
- Show me a poorly uniformed troop and I'll show you a poorly uniformed leader. — Robert Baden-Powell
- I'd seen 'Interview with A Vampire' and saw Dracula movies growing up, but I never thought, 'I love vampires; I have to… — Alan Ball
- I am so spoiled. I cannot watch a show where it gets interrupted for ads. I have to TiVo it and skip… — Alan Ball
- As a writer, it's fun to create. And once you get into a long-running show with very established characters and a very… — Alan Ball