« All Littles Quotes · Jack Handey's Page
Littles Quotes by Jack Handey
- I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with…
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him…
- I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they…
- Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only…
- Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring…
- I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and…
- One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the…
- If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once…
- I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
- Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside,…
- Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune…
- If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
- If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your…
- I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little…
- If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it? I'm going…
- Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.
- The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a…
- The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old…
- One day I saw a big kid beating up a little kid. I went over to the little kid and gave him a swift kick.…
More Littles Quotes
- No notice is taken of a little evil, but when it increases it strikes the eye. — Aristotle
- When it comes to the point where you occasionally look forward to being in prison on the basis that you might be… — Julian Assange
- When we were making the law, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics the grandfarthers of Blair and little Bush… — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
- I don't miss anything ever. Because to me, missing something is like going backward a little bit. I don't miss being in… — Fred Armisen
- The police can't protect consumers. People need to be more aware and educated about identity theft. You need to be a little… — Frank Abagnale
- When I was a little kid - and even still - I loved magic tricks. When I saw how movies got made… — J. J. Abrams
- Science has not yet mastered prophecy. We predict too much for the next year and yet far too little for the next… — Neil Armstrong
- Banks are so protected from liability they would have to really do something that was their mistake in order for them to… — Frank Abagnale
- If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster. — Isaac Asimov
- Guns are evil! And very little good comes from the availability of a bullet designed to kill human beings! — Mackenzie Astin
- Apart from the fact that your physical ability starts to decline, I also think someone in their fifties being childlike becomes a… — Rowan Atkinson
- In TV, and in particular in commercials, you don't really need to explain very much at all - you just say he's… — Rowan Atkinson