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Best All Quotes by Jack Handey
- Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and…
- If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!,…
- As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable-until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all,…
- I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed.…
- I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
- Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to…
- Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
- What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's…
- I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!"…
- I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not…
- Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.
- I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you…
- It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the…
- Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
- Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth…
- When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow…
- I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker…
- When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count…
- Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we…
- Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better…
- I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but they don't know I'm using blanks.
- Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers…
More All Quotes
- Total loyalty is possible only when fidelity is emptied of all concrete content, from which changes of mind might naturally arise. — Hannah Arendt
- No cause is left but the most ancient of all, the one, in fact, that from the beginning of our history has… — Hannah Arendt
- The ultimate end of human acts is eudaimonia, happiness in the sense of living well, which all men desire; all acts are… — Hannah Arendt
- The new always happens against the overwhelming odds of statistical laws and their probability, which for all practical, everyday purposes amounts to… — Hannah Arendt
- Where all are guilty, no one is; confessions of collective guilt are the best possible safeguard against the discovery of culprits, and… — Hannah Arendt
- We have almost succeeded in leveling all human activities to the common denominator of securing the necessities of life and providing for… — Hannah Arendt
- I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because, of all the things granted us by wisdom, none is greater or… — Pietro Aretino
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- The spirit of Ubuntu, that once led Haiti to emerge as the first independent black nation in 1804, helped Venezuela, Colombia and… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- As we all know, many people remain buried under tons of rubble and debris, waiting to be rescued. When we think of… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Wise people, even though all laws were abolished, would still lead the same life. — Aristophanes
- A friend to all is a friend to none. — Aristotle