When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E. Cheese. — Zach Galifianakis Chuck Copy Share Image
Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria. — Zach Galifianakis Acne Copy Share Image
I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny. — Zach Galifianakis Comedy Copy Share Image
Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people? — Zach Galifianakis Funny Copy Share Image
I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something. — Zach Galifianakis Comedy Copy Share Image
The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever." — Zach Galifianakis Forever Copy Share Image
Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier. — Zach Galifianakis Easier Copy Share Image
I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster. — Zach Galifianakis Beard Copy Share Image
I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my… — Zach Galifianakis Down and Copy Share Image
I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out… — Zach Galifianakis Bible Copy Share Image
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry… — Zach Galifianakis Couches Copy Share Image
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales… — Zach Galifianakis Chairs Copy Share Image
I've always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he's often playing a sad clown, and it's always… — Zach Galifianakis Angry Copy Share Image
I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that.… — Zach Galifianakis Comic Copy Share Image
It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies… — Zach Galifianakis Comedies Copy Share Image
That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed… — Zach Galifianakis Comedy Copy Share Image
I feel that living your life in contradiction keeps one confused and happy... It makes me laugh when people miscommunicate. I like… — Zach Galifianakis Contradiction Copy Share Image
We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest… — Zach Galifianakis Coma Copy Share Image
The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find… — Zach Galifianakis Congressman Copy Share Image
I knew from day one, when the VH1 guys came in and said, 'Don't make fun of Cher, don't make fun of… — Zach Galifianakis Good marriage Copy Share Image
I was talking to my mom the other day, and she called me a weirdo. It was the first time I'd ever… — Zach Galifianakis First time Copy Share Image
I like to go to really bad movies, during their sixth week, and there's only one other person in the theatre, and… — Zach Galifianakis Bad movie Copy Share Image
I think if you come out to California trying to be an actor, it's pretty hard. There's desperation. A lot of people… — Zach Galifianakis Actors Copy Share Image
I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins. — Zach Galifianakis Comedy Copy Share Image
My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him. — Zach Galifianakis Beat Copy Share Image
I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7". — Zach Galifianakis Glad Copy Share Image
When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny. — Zach Galifianakis Comedy Copy Share Image
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. — Zach Galifianakis Fort Copy Share Image
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing. — Zach Galifianakis Girlfriend Copy Share Image
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver. — Zach Galifianakis Becoming Copy Share Image
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks. — Zach Galifianakis Comedy Copy Share Image
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker. — Zach Galifianakis Dry Copy Share Image
If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles. — Zach Galifianakis Blogs Copy Share Image
I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy. — Zach Galifianakis Character Copy Share Image
That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people? — Zach Galifianakis About Copy Share Image
I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it. — Zach Galifianakis Anxiety Copy Share Image
I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy. — Zach Galifianakis Candy Copy Share Image
Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it. — Zach Galifianakis Bigs Copy Share Image
