Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one. — Jimmy Fallon Conan Copy Share Image
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. — Jimmy Fallon Cab Copy Share Image
I don't even read the papers. I read 'USA Today' because it has color photos. — Jimmy Fallon Color Copy Share Image
I like video games, I like tech, I like being positive. — Jimmy Fallon Being positive Copy Share Image
I don't like to kick people when they're down. I like to kick people when they're up. — Jimmy Fallon Down Copy Share Image
Happy birthday to Arnold Palmer, who turned 82. That's 41 years iced tea and 41 years lemonade. — Jimmy Fallon Birthday Copy Share Image
The running across the field thing, that was the first scene we shot in the movie. We asked the audience to stay… — Jimmy Fallon Across Copy Share Image
A house panel in Texas has approved full marijuana legalization for the state. Yeah, meaning Texas could go from having dude ranches… — Jimmy Fallon Approved Copy Share Image
People have disliked me. You know, in high school, I wasn't the most popular kid. I wasn't the nerdiest kid. I was… — Jimmy Fallon Disliked Copy Share Image
President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs,… — Jimmy Fallon Beer Copy Share Image
This week Biden said that he will decide on a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the spring or the summer. Then he… — Jimmy Fallon Biden Copy Share Image
I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic. — Jimmy Fallon Attention Copy Share Image
A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world's oldest divorced couple. It's got to be… — Jimmy Fallon Couple Copy Share Image
Ten Delta Airlines baggage handlers were arrested for smuggling drugs into Detroit. Yeah, you can tell Delta was involved, because the drugs… — Jimmy Fallon Airline Copy Share Image
People ask me, Jimmy, howd you get here tonight. Lets just say it involved a two-hour make-out session with Elaine Stritch. It… — Jimmy Fallon Ask me Copy Share Image
In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other… — Jimmy Fallon Ads Copy Share Image
After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he's getting… — Jimmy Fallon Campaigns Copy Share Image
They're making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama's first date, called 'Southside With You,' and the producers say they've already cast… — Jimmy Fallon Actors Copy Share Image
I think you just look for the person you have the most fun with. And that's enough. You realize, "Wait, I can… — Jimmy Fallon Can do Copy Share Image
The White House announced that President Obama will attend a summit in Kenya this July. When asked if he's ever been to… — Jimmy Fallon Bored Copy Share Image
I haven't been on a date in awhile. I went on maybe two dates in my whole life. — Jimmy Fallon Date Copy Share Image
Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around. — Jimmy Fallon Apprentice Copy Share Image
Shouldn't every day be Earth Day? I mean, what are our options? — Jimmy Fallon Earth Copy Share Image
Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day.… — Jimmy Fallon Funny valentines day Copy Share Image
This morning my dad called me up and said, 'So, tonight's your last show, huh.' And I said, 'No, Dad, that's someone… — Jimmy Fallon Dad Copy Share Image
“Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I ain't afraid of no leaves.” — Jimmy Fallon Fall Copy Share Image
Researchers here in New York created a robot that actually passed a self-awareness test. So if you're keeping score, that's robots: 1,… — Jimmy Fallon Awareness Copy Share Image
Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds - or… — Jimmy Fallon Baby Copy Share Image
A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs. — Jimmy Fallon Found Copy Share Image
Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.' — Jimmy Fallon Armstrong Copy Share Image
Whenever I'm stuck in traffic, I can't help but wonder, 'Where did the creator of The Jetsons go, and why hasn't he… — Jimmy Fallon Creator Copy Share Image
According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with… — Jimmy Fallon Covered Copy Share Image
If people want to see you, they'll find you. If they don't see you on TV, they'll find you on the Internet. — Jimmy Fallon Internet Copy Share Image
Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: 'We think we're important enough to charge money… — Jimmy Fallon Enough Copy Share Image
