I don't like to kick people when they're down. I like to kick people when they're up. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day.… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
People have disliked me. You know, in high school, I wasn't the most popular kid. I wasn't the nerdiest kid. I was… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there's no… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
L.A., its nice, but I think of sunshine and people on rollerblades eating sushi. New York, I think of nighttime, I think… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
The running across the field thing, that was the first scene we shot in the movie. We asked the audience to stay… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
People ask me, Jimmy, howd you get here tonight. Lets just say it involved a two-hour make-out session with Elaine Stritch. It… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
L.A., it's nice, but I think of sunshine and people on rollerblades eating sushi. New York, I think of nighttime, I think… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That's right,… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
This is interesting. Researchers have found that people who drive drunk are more dangerous on the road than drivers who are high… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I can watch an episode of Jerry Seinfeld, and by the end, I'm just walking around my house, you know, talking like… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
John McCain addressed critics who believe he will be too old to run for a sixth term in the Senate, saying that… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is receiving criticism after telling a crowd to 'unlock their full potential,' because that line is commonly used by another… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
The Senate came one vote short of granting approval to build the Keystone pipeline. Democrats say the pipeline could accelerate global warming.… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
There's always going to be someone out there... who doesn't believe in you or who thinks your head is too big or… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Yesterday, the Supreme Court spent over an hour listening to arguments on whether Obamacare is unconstitutional. Yeah, listening to arguments about Obamacare… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Most kids come home from school. They don't go to their TVs first. They go to the Internet. They check their emails,… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Today, Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that a firehouse… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.' — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
During the CPAC conference, Rand Paul told the crowd it was time for a new president and that people need to help… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
According to a new study, the marijuana in Colorado is almost twice as strong as it was 20 years ago. Of course,… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
A recent study found that people lie more when they are texting. Yeah, especially that one lie: "Sorry, just got your text! — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who makes ballon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Apparently, the Obamas chose New York City because they've gotten so used to people trying to break into their house. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Listening is more important than talking. Just hit your mark and believe what you say. Just listen to people and react to… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
A new study found that most people can't go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
A group called the Texas Tea Party Patriots is hosting a debate next month where Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will go… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I remember people saying to us, "You're too nice. Hollywood is going to eat you up and spit you out." I never… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
'Moldova: Yes or No?' That's a great app, and we actually used the geo-locator on your phone, so if you are in… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I just feel like people like a little break. Especially at 12:37 at night, you go, like, 'I'm just tired of the… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
The Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Democrats have been doing everything they can to get young people and college students to vote in the midterms. Though if you… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Former New York Governor George Pataki may enter the race for president. It's not definite, but he tweeted that he'll announce his… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I read that as marijuana legalization becomes more popular, it could affect the jobs of drug-sniffing dogs. Or as those dogs put it, 'Thanks,… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
NASA is developing space taxis to shuttle astronauts to the International Space Station. And just like New York taxis, they're all going to be… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he's getting a new… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn't made up his mind about whether he'll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question:… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
A clothing company is making T-shirts inspired by Bernie Sanders with messages like 'Feel the Bern.' They were gonna make them for Lincoln Chafee… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I became a Yankees fan for a few years. But now, I gotta say, I'm really rooting for the Red Sox. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
My dream was to grow up and get a job at IBM, like my dad. That seemed like a logical dream. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather - because… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Yesterday, the Supreme Court spent over an hour listening to arguments on whether Obamacare is unconstitutional. Yeah, listening to arguments about Obamacare for an… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
