Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
President Obama said that if he could have any superpower, he'd want the ability to speak any language. That's so everyone in… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama's birth certificate to make sure that it's real. Incidentally, President… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It's good news for Romney. I mean, you… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
After Michael Jordan recently criticized President Obama's golf game, Obama responded by saying that Jordan should spend more time thinking about his… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I just feel like people like a little break. Especially at 12:37 at night, you go, like, 'I'm just tired of the… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.' But because of Obama's tax plan,… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, 'You can be whatever you… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
If you're going to do a Chris Christie joke, just say, 'Christie spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Then… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
A clothing company is making T-shirts inspired by Bernie Sanders with messages like 'Feel the Bern.' They were gonna make them for… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
It's something I worry about when I'm working out. I don't want to get too fit. Because I don't want the new… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
If people want to see you, they'll find you. If they don't see you on TV, they'll find you on the Internet. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot.… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Democrats have been doing everything they can to get young people and college students to vote in the midterms. Though if you… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I want to be a dad. That's floating to the top of my list. I think it's such an important thing. I'm… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I'm so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I'm… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop in Las Vegas yesterday. She said she wants citizenship for undocumented immigrants. But after seeing Americans… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I don't want to admit it, but I do enjoy the feedback from the audience. It's instant feedback. It's like, you could… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I read that as marijuana legalization becomes more popular, it could affect the jobs of drug-sniffing dogs. Or as those dogs put it, 'Thanks,… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
NASA is developing space taxis to shuttle astronauts to the International Space Station. And just like New York taxis, they're all going to be… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he's getting a new… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn't made up his mind about whether he'll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question:… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
A clothing company is making T-shirts inspired by Bernie Sanders with messages like 'Feel the Bern.' They were gonna make them for Lincoln Chafee… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I became a Yankees fan for a few years. But now, I gotta say, I'm really rooting for the Red Sox. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
My dream was to grow up and get a job at IBM, like my dad. That seemed like a logical dream. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather - because… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Yesterday, the Supreme Court spent over an hour listening to arguments on whether Obamacare is unconstitutional. Yeah, listening to arguments about Obamacare for an… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
