Jay Leno Quotes

325 quotes in 3904 categories

• We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?
• Congress voted for tougher laws on corporations. So now when a corporation buys a senator, they need a receipt.
• The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.
• A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
• As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then get my own apartment.
• Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That's scary.
• President Obama said he is going to use the Gulf disaster to push a new energy bill through Congress. How about using the Gulf disaster…
• Clinton's pet Labrador, Buddy, is getting neutered. The dog will never have sex again. Overnight, they've turned Buddy from a Democrat into a Republican.
• For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.
• You know what's sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network.
• A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything…
• President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce in countries he never knew existed.
• Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".
• Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.
• A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he…
• Bill Maher and I are on against each other, and we're friends. He can do my show any time he wants, and I've done Politically…
• Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time…
• Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.
• McDonald's announced that it's considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know…
• Women get a little more excited about New Year's Eve than men do. It's like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot…

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