Jay Leno Quotes

325 quotes in 3904 categories

• Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.
• CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
• In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take…
• Big scandal on the new 'Survivor' series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team.
• There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will…
• The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister,…
• General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush's policies, saying that the world is beginning to doubt…
• Hillary Clinton's opponent in the U.S. Senate race, the Republican she's going to be running against, has been married three times, had an affair with…
• Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by…
• A fitness instructor in Maine has been charged with running a prostitution business out of her Zumba dance studio. Authorities first got suspicious when they…
• Anthony Weiner and his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people…
• A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other…
• As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas…
• The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our…
• When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'
• A student at the University of Wisconsin in Madison spent 90 days technology free. He went without a cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, or any social…
• San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, 'Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.'
• Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.
• They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.
• When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you're on the road as a comedian, you do…

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