All Jay Leno Quotes
- Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day! Call
- The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. Designated
- Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. Beverly
- Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? Epic
- CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she… Admire
- For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now… America
- The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They… Beer
- I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' Comedy
- If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. Apology
- Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they… Any
- The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as… Associated
- Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors. Actor
- If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. Bad
- The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. Agree
- I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little… Actually Quite
- Politics is just show business for ugly people. Business
- You're not famous until my mother has heard of you. Children
- I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking. Chicago
- I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.' Canada
- If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. Candidates