I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself. — Henny Youngman Commit Copy Share Image
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the… — Henny Youngman Bathroom Copy Share Image
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. — Henny Youngman All night Copy Share Image
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television? — Henny Youngman Family Copy Share Image
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free? — Henny Youngman Idiot Copy Share Image
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. — Henny Youngman Dressing room Copy Share Image
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in… — Henny Youngman Asks Copy Share Image
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. — Henny Youngman Done Copy Share Image
We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. — Henny Youngman Done Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly… — Henny Youngman Crazy Copy Share Image
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me… — Henny Youngman Clubs Copy Share Image
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind… — Henny Youngman Behinds Copy Share Image
“When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading” — Henny Youngman Books Copy Share Image
Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way… — Henny Youngman Dinner Copy Share Image
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. — Henny Youngman Anniversary Copy Share Image
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. — Henny Youngman Horse Copy Share Image
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children… — Henny Youngman Animal Copy Share Image
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!" — Henny Youngman Blood Copy Share Image
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" — Henny Youngman Doctors Copy Share Image
