All Erma Bombeck Quotes
- I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. Buzzards
- It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. Adventure
- I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' Checkout
- For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties… Been
- In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. Bracelet
- Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. Admit
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Advice
- Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out… Book
- When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. Barking
- If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. American Football
- People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll… Allow
- Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. Batteries
- I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. Affair
- No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there… Bed
- I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to… Clothes
- Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. Inspirational
- The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Breathing
- Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. Anatomy
- There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. Arrive
- My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. All
- Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? Anyone
- There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. Cup
- Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. Automobile
- Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. Brought
- Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. Baseball