All Erma Bombeck Quotes
- All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. All
- Never accept a drink from a urologist. Accept
- Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I… Buried
- A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. Boyfriend
- How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? Buy
- There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants… Body
- Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went… Ago
- Never order food in excess of your body weight. Badass
- Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. Decreed
- I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in… Alphabet
- I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. Accent
- Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. Anyone
- God created man, but I could do better. Better
- House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. Bad
- In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. Children
- Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. Entertaining
- What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? Asked
- Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. Brown
- For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. Easy
- Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. Humorists
- Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. Car
- On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand… Beach
- Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him… Age
- I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something.… Attending
- Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing. Children