Erma Bombeck Quotes

262 quotes in 3098 categories

• When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left,…
• Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
• A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
• When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no.…
• There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
• It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
• My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares.…
• I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life…
• Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
• There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
• Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they…
• Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
• One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are…
• Never have more children than you have car windows.
• My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
• Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
• If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
• When humor goes, there goes civilization.
• A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

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