All Bill Maher Quotes
- I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally. Bible
- Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. Bush
- NEW RULE: 'Kidiots' Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree… Able
- I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma. Birth
- Don't you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt? America
- you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!! All
- You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash. Collapse
- I think religion is a neurological disorder. Disorder
- You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history… All
- New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in… Asking
- Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got? Exes
- I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use… Animal
- If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time". Alert
- This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo. Beach
- We're all gonna be gay if we get health care! All
- Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage. Care
- You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president. Bar
- Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance. Inspirational
- The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people. America
- Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican. Inspirational
- When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise. All
- If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod. Acid
- New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s… Americans
- New Rule: If you can force a woman to look at a sonogram—to see what will happen if she has an abortion—you also have to… Abortion
- New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're… Across