I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
