But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
