As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
“One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is… — Adam Carolla Copy Share
I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life...so, something that is potentially four months down the road is… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work,… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
“But our leaders can’t tell the truth. We won’t let them. We’ve created a society where the politicians aren’t allowed to criticize the people.… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
