If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It would be nice if everybody were a little bit more mindful of what kind of product you're putting out there. Nothing's… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Amy Winehouse's mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she's worried about her and to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You want to do something a little bit meaningful, because we're not saving the planet or anything, but we want to contribute… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I wanted to be a comedian, I wanted people to laugh at what I was saying, not to be staring at my… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
