“My chameleon fingertips feel sticky, furry, rough, or any number of things, depending on what I’m touching at the time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This place reminds me of the time I had amnesia. I think. It also reminds me of being in love. That must… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the future, it’ll be my child, but it will be my child’s life, so I must name it not for me,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free—or enslave you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover the engine of a car, much like a hood does, only the blanket would help… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I’m also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Me and my clones will form a band called The Eels. I’ll be one of the most electrifying performers of all time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“100% of half the people I talked to agreed with me a quarter of the time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The price of gold is up 14 fold since last time I tried unfolding it. And laundry has declined two folds.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got offended when she laughed, because she was showing pleasure, but she was also showing displeasure—in all the previous moments where… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At first, the drudgery of mastering your craft is a prison—boring, slow, and with an awareness of how much time you’ll have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Money is flowing past you all the time like an invisible breeze. The trick is to get some to slide into your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My grandma came over yesterday, and I had just jumped out of the shower, so I answered the door in my towel.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being a waiter is all that waiting. Use that time wisely. Try making it as an actor.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to perpetually feed the hungry, stop all wars, educate the masses, and ensure everlasting peace for all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It seems like I never have any time. I should have never stopped being a watch salesman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were the color blue, and you were the color orange, I wouldn't want you around all the time, because who… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her name is Today. I told her I’d call her tomorrow. That was yesterday. I’m confused about the time, but not about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
