“I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else’s nametag. I make love like Todd. At least… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can’t be the best all the time. But that’s what clones are for—to be you while you sleep.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I remember one time some guy put caviar in my omelet, and I had to complain saying, “Excuse me, you idiot, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She gave me her bedroom eyes. I know because we were in the kitchen at the time. I hope we’re having pigs… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I collect the most valuable thing in the world—free time. But unlike other priceless things, I don’t need a safe to keep… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the thing that holds life together. Sort of like rind to a melon, cloth to a stuffed animal, or money… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m too impatient to be impatient, as impatience often wastes time through repetition and redundancy.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite time to network is now. Seriously, what are you doing this instant? Call all your friends and tell them you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life is made up of now, and the past and the future are nothing more than inedible garnishes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ballsack contains Future People. I’m holding a Meet ‘N’ Greet this Saturday in Branson.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The flashing black line on an empty Word document reminds me that my life is counting down second by second, and that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The average time for lightning to strike and thunder to hit is how long I love. But in which direction?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gold medals, which is an all the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I train for the winning moments, hoping all those seconds off the clock will lead to firsts. I train for seconds, that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Today is the one that introduces Yesterday to Tomorrow. If it weren't for Today, Nostalgia would never meet Hope.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I punched him 14 times in the face, and he didn’t even try to hit me back. He wasn’t a pacifist, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time I see a train, I think of robbing it. Like a Wild West cowboy, I’m out to steal and collect… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In this moment I’m reminded of Thor tutoring me math in the second grade. Thor was a math major in college, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This book is destined to make waves no matter which ocean you throw it into. This is the first book Jarod's put… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
