There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love my career, but I feel like you've got to babysit a lot of aspects of things. Assuming that things will… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
For stand-up comedians that go onstage and get to write and perform and direct, and do all these things, the allure of… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It's kind of hard to articulate, but, like, this notion of mercy, forgiveness, was very appealing for me. It was very profound.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
