I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
