No matter what time of year I come here, people always say the same thing: Its not usually like this. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
... and people are to march around the church to commemorate the event, Palm Sunday, when Jesus rode into Jerusalem and was… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
I don't associate work with feelings of satisfaction. Rather, guilt, frustration, and resentment of people who write better than I do. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Those people on daytime TV talking about how their parents never gave them the positive feedback they needed and that's why they… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
That's why God created marriage, so people wouldn't have to fight with strangers. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
I was an English major at the University of Minnesota, and I was very shy, which many people misinterpreted as intelligence. On… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
If you can't trust a Methodist with absolute power to arrest people and not have to say why, then whom can you… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Just because we're fictional characters doesn't mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.--the people of Lake Woebegon — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Minnesota is a state of public-spirited and polite people, where you can get a good cappucino and eat Thai food and find… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Forget what you learned about poetry in school. (That it's complex, opaque, a problem to be solved in 1500 words by tomorrow.)… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
I usually don't work with other people; I do the whole show myself. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
It is more worthy in the eyes of God . . . if a writer makes three pages sharp and funny about… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
The thought of people in this day and age sitting down to listen to a radio variety show on Saturday evening is… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
When writing loses touch with the beautiful surface of the world, it loses its way. You always want to be in touch… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
..people (in Minnesota) avoid stupidity when possible, not wanting to be a $10 haircut on a 50 cent head. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Some people have a love of their fellow man in their hearts, and others require a light anesthetic. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
People meet writers and are bowled over when the writer is friendly to them and invites them to his house for a… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
We have nearly complete misunderstanding between people of different faiths in Lake Wobegon, and that's probably one reason why we get along… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
I think that if writers are tempted to do other things, they ought to go do other things. They should not write… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when you think… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Ha! Easy for nuns to talk about giving up things. That's what they do for a living. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Before the world was made, when it was only darkness and mist and waters, God was well aware of Lake Wobegon, my family, our… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
On investments, 1998: Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see,… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
