Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday'… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
