I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.' — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway." — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
