If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For me, possibility, progress, growth, those things are very.. they feel very good. It doesn't usually come with negativity. I don't really… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
