It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
