Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
