What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
