I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
