But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For me, possibility, progress, growth, those things are very.. they feel very good. It doesn't usually come with negativity. I don't really… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
