I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.' — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor, — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway." — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
