Edward Snowden gave a little press conference today. He is apparently seeking temporary asylum in Russia. Because, you know, when you're tired… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A president can be unpopular for good reasons. You know, I'm not always on the side that the people are right, for… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because I have been saying, for the longest time, that president Bush must set… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If anybody is so mad at Vladimir Putin, you know what they could do? They could advocate for a gas tax. He… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Please stop assuming that longevity and perfect health is always the correct option. No. Sometimes fun costs ya. It just does, you… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
My generation didn't face the kind of urgent, pressing issues that my parents did, who fought through a war and a Depression… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
It's that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't know if [Barack Obama] saw the latest religion survey, but almost a quarter of the country are Nones. I don't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
People who don't like you almost never come up to you. That's a lot of years of saying things that I know… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't think George Bush is a good president by any imagination, but when he said, 'If you're talking to Al-Quaeda, we… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
When the tabloids photograph me when I'm out, I always say: "You know what, folks? I'm not married and I'm not gay.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
And he said that 47%-that's pretty high-47% of Americans are basically welfare bums who are mooching off the government. And then he… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't know if anybody from my tribe of atheists ever thanked [Barack Obama] for giving us a shout-out at your first… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
When those myths were created, when the Bible was written, man didn't know what an atom or a germ was, or where… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Nowas you all know, this week, Pope Benedict told Vatican Radio—you know, Vatican Radio, playing the hits from the 8th century, 9th… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: I don't give two fingleberries and a McShit-all that Dumbledore is gay. I never wanted to know who Dumbledore was… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
What a day for the Tea Party people. Did you see that? America's parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I'd like to protect children, too, but... is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good...… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Look at the list of liberals who are active in politics, if not running. Barbra Streisand, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Springsteen, Spielberg...… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I know climate change is a hoax – of course – but places that have never seen this type of winter weather… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Also, in the category of 'obvious but still shocking,' an animal called a 'killer whale' killed someone who was trying to play… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The [Libyan] rebels this week kind of hinted to the United States that they could use a little help. Right. Like, America… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Osama bin Laden put out a new video. The timing of this video has some people upset, three days before we vote.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it's sexy but one thing… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
40% of homicides go unsolved. You know, it's not a very good record. And, also, 95% of convictions in America come from… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The people [in the USA] are not very well informed. They certainly don't know history. They certainly are not interested in foreign… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Karl Rove thinks we shouldn’t have Hillary Clinton in the White House because she fell and hit her head a couple years… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad's room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
![“I don't know if [Barack Obama] saw the latest religion survey, but almost a quarter of the country are Nones. I don't mean the ones who hit me on the knuckles with a ruler in Sunday School - I mean they put "None" for religion.” quote by Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/d71/bill-maher-211_barack_i-don-t-know-if-barack-obama-saw-the-lat_1703582.jpg)
![“I don't know if anybody from my tribe of atheists ever thanked [Barack Obama] for giving us a shout-out at your first inaugural, but you did mention non-believers. We appreciate it. Because we do feel like untouchables to a degree.” quote by Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/27a/bill-maher-211_appreciate_i-don-t-know-if-anybody-from-my-tribe-of_2388040.jpg)
![“When those myths were created, when the Bible was written, man didn't know what an atom or a germ was, or where the sun went at night, or why the women got pregnant. [Laughs.] They needed stories to answer the questions.” quote by Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/5cd/bill-maher-211_answers_when-those-myths-were-created-when-the-b_2477028.jpg)
![“The [Libyan] rebels this week kind of hinted to the United States that they could use a little help. Right. Like, America would just blunder around the Middle East killing people without all the facts. That doesn't sound like the America I know.” quote by Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/a1c/bill-maher-211_america_the-libyan-rebels-this-week-kind-of-hint_1095970.jpg)
![“The people [in the USA] are not very well informed. They certainly don't know history. They certainly are not interested in foreign affairs very much, unless it comes right to their doorstep. They all learn history through wars. They learn geography through wars.” quote by Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/fb2/bill-maher-211_affair_the-people-in-the-usa-are-not-very-well_2551709.jpg)
