When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
